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If you show me your boobs,I’ll show you my tatoos. Tit for Tat.

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If you stir coconut oil into your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.

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If you take away my caffeine, bacon and sarcasm, you might as well just kill me.

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If you think this is bad you should see what our government has been up to.

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If you walk behind my car when my reverse lights are on, that’s between you and God.

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If you want my advice, I think you should sleep with him.

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If you want to impress me with your car?it better be a food truck.

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If you wear your jeans five days in a row, they become baggy and it looks like you are losing weight. Follow me for more life pro tips.

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If you were a vegetable, you would be a cabbitch.

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If you were offered 900 million to sell a family member, who would you sell?

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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 oreos in one sitting they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.

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If your cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

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If your joints are stiff, you are rolling them too tight.

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Imagine a world where You Tube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become known as YouTwitFace.

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In a 1000 years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people for punishment.

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In a world of Kardashians, be a Lady.

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