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As soon as you say “My child would never”, here they come nevering like they never nevered before.

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ASKHOLE-A person who constantly asks for advice, but does the opposite of whatever you tell them.

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At the rate we’re going, they’re going to cancel shampoo so bald people don’t get offended.

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At the store today, when the cashier said strip down and facing me, apparently she was referring to my credit card.

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At the store, there was a big X by the register for me to stand on?.I’ve seen too may Road Runner cartoons to fall for that one.

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At this point I would feel safer if the Coronavirus would tell us how it’s going to save us from the government.

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At this point in my life, I catch one wrong vibe, I’m out.

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Autocorrect can go straight to He’ll.

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Autocorrect tried to change tater tots to tater toots and I think I stumbled on my redneck stripper name.

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Awwww!!! Freak Cow

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Baby, it’s a wild world.

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Bacon is 70% fat and very salty. Me too, bacon, me too.

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Bad Choices Make Good Stories

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based on the amount of laundry. I’m going to assume there are people living here I’ve never seen.

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be the ceo your parents always wanted you to marry.

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Be very, very quiet. I’m hunting toilet paper.

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