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The awkward moment when you thought they tested with a nasal swab.

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The bags under my eyes are PRADA

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The best nicknames are the ones other people don’t know they have.

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The biggest lie I tell myself is’ I don’t need to write that down. I’ll remember it.’

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The boobs are real. The smile is fake.

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The broccoli says ‘ I look like a small tree.’ The mushroom says ‘I look like an umbrella.’ The walnut said ‘I look like a brain.’ And the banana says ‘Can we please change the subject?’

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The closest I get to a Spa Day is when the steam from the dishwasher smacks me in the face.

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The cop asked, “Do you know how fast you were going?” I said, ” I kinda feel like that is your job.”

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The Daily Times .. WOMAN SEARCHES FOR WHERE MEN GET THE AUDACITY

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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring tacos.

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The divorce rate amoung my socks is astonishing.

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The end of the world would be an improvement over my current life situation.

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The fact that Hooters hasn’t launched a home delivery service called Knockers seems like a missed business opportunity to me.

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The first person to hear a parrot speak was probably not ok for several days.

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The forecast for today calls for boob sweat of epic proportion.

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The Golden Years poem.

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