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The stuff you heard about me is a lie. I’m way worse.

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The thinner the eyebrows, the crazier the woman.

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The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

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The tribes of the ancient Aztecs sacrificed their leaders to the gods in case of famine or pandemic. What a beautiful custom.

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The trouble with trouble, is that it always starts out with fun.

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The war on drugs brought more drugs. The war on terror created more terrorists. Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where that goes.

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The whole country could be tested by midnight if Chick-Fil-A was running those drive-thrus.

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The word phonetically doesn,t even start with an F. Crap like this is why aliens fly straight pat us.

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The worst part about online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your purse.

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There are 7 billion people in the world. I like 6 of you.

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There are no skeletons in my closet. However, there is a tiny box of souls in my underwer drawer.

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There is nothing scarier than the split sceond you lose your balance in the shower and think ’They are going to find me naked’.

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There should be an observation deck at Wal-mart.

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There’s a certain age where you can no longer use the term “Good girl gone bad.” It’s more like ” Her old ass should know better.

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There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: Boom Shakalaka

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There’s no way I was born just to pay bills and die.

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