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Thou shall not judge because thou has screwed up before too.

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Thoughts and Prayers to anyone trying on last summer’s shorts.

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Threw my back out sleeping. Tweaked my neck sneezing. I’m probably one strong blast of gas way from complete paralysis.

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Throwing shade.

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Time is precious, waste it wisely.

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To all the folks hoarding toilet paper, I went to all the stores and purchased all the plungers and Drain-o. Check. Mate.

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To everyone saying America won’t reopen strong: Juraissic Park reopend five times after people were eaten alive. Five times.

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To my friends: shine on you crazy, perverted alcoholic weirdos. Y’all are my people.

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To quote Hamlet,Act lll, Scene iii, Line 87 “No”

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Today I bought a cupcake wothout sprinkles. Diets are hard.

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Today I will just wear underwear. And a crown.

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Today I’m just a walking talking middle finger.

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Today is a day to celebrate! It’s National Siblings Day. You are so lucky to have me as a sister,

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Today my daughter called me “birth person”. I replied, “Yes, financial drain.”

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Today’s housekeeping tip: Always keep several get well cards on youtr mantle. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they’ll think you’ve been SICK and unable to clean.

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Todays Lesson Do not hula hoop without a bra on. That is all.

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