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When I am feeling down and someone says, Suck it Up, I get the urge to break their legs and say?

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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like east.

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When I die, don’t go lookin for me in the sunsets. I’ll be chasing you up the stairs after you turn the lights off.

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When I die, my man’s gotta die, too. Ain’t no “She would want you to move on and be happy.” No I wouldn’t.

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When I do my tax returns this year, I’m going to list the government as one of my dependents.

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When I get a “Who is this” text. I always respond, “Jake, from State Farm”.

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When I get a headache, I take two asprin and keep away from the children, just like the bottle says.

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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

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When I get old, I’m not going to sit around knitting. I’m going to be clicking my Life Alert button to see how many hot firefighters show up.

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When I see rich, snooty women at the grocery store, I pretend I need help and say, “excuse me, but do you work here?” just to help keep it real.

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When I was a kid, my parents would would always say “pardon my french” just after a swear word?I’ll never forget my first day of school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any french.

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When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying ” I hide the body? Now what?

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When killing them with kindness doesn’ work, try Voodoo.

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When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, I’ve heard that a baseball bat is quite effective.

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When my doctor says I need to eat healthier, I stop at Chick-fil-A for the Lord’s chickie sandwhich.

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When someone asks “Are you crazy?” Simply reply, “Yes.” Kaboom. End of discussion.

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