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When someone tell me I look familiar, I tell them with a perfectly straight face, ” I do porn.

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When someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.

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When this is all over, we will need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal.

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When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

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When you find a spider in the shower. Naked and Afraid.

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When you have bacon in your mouth, it does not matter who’s president.

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When you haven’t worn make-up in a week and you put on macara and you’re like?move over Beyonce, mama’s back.

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When you push a pull door and someone says, “you have to pull” like duhhhh because my next step was to start lifting it up.

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When you really, really want to slap someone. Do it. Just make sure to say ’mosquito’ when you do.

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Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on the front porch just to show them what I am capable of.

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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, Wow, you have a beautiful family! , I reply, Well,

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Where does all my money go? It’s like Hocus-Pokus, I’m brokus!

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Where is Morgan Freeman? Shouldn’t he be narrating this stuff or something?

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While everything is shut down, maybe they should pave the roads.

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While I was out shopping today, I tripped in the store. A woman kept staring at me so I smiled at he

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While you are out there-don’t come back.

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