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When a male octopus finds his mate, he rips off his tallywhacker and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new tallywhacker.If that isn’t the most epic way to tell someone “Go Screw Yourself”, I don’t know what is.

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When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he will get lucky. A woman already knows.

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When a woman reaches a certain age, they start collecting cats. This is called Many Paws.

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When a woman wears leather clothing, a man’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry and he goes weak in the knees. Wonder why? She smells like a new truck.

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When Alice Cooper said “school’s out forever” I didn’t take him for a prophet?

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When all this is over, which metting di go to first? Weight Watchers or AA?

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When checking out at WalMart with my 1,000 boxes of ammo and three carts full of toilet paper, I look at the cashier and with a straight face say, Zombie Apocalypse.

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When crumbs fall down your shirt, They’ve been booby trapped.

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When did my muffin top turn into a five layer cake?

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When I am feeling down and someone says, Suck it Up, I get the urge to break their legs and say?

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When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like east.

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When I die, don’t go lookin for me in the sunsets. I’ll be chasing you up the stairs after you turn the lights off.

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When I die, my man’s gotta die, too. Ain’t no “She would want you to move on and be happy.” No I wouldn’t.

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When I do my tax returns this year, I’m going to list the government as one of my dependents.

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When I get a “Who is this” text. I always respond, “Jake, from State Farm”.

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When I get a headache, I take two asprin and keep away from the children, just like the bottle says.

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