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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower gets turned on.

$12.00
When I get old, I’m not going to sit around knitting. I’m going to be clicking my Life Alert button to see how many hot firefighters show up.

$12.00
When I see rich, snooty women at the grocery store, I pretend I need help and say, “excuse me, but do you work here?” just to help keep it real.

$12.00
When I was a child my Mother wore a mood ring. When she was in a good mood it turned blue. In a bad mood it left a red mark on my forehead.

$12.00
When I was a kid, my parents would would always say “pardon my french” just after a swear word?I’ll never forget my first day of school when my teacher asked if any of us knew any french.

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When I was growing up I thought Easter was the day we celebrates Jesus rising from the grave, coming back as a rabbit that hides colored eggs.

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When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying ” I hide the body? Now what?

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When killing them with kindness doesn’ work, try Voodoo.

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When killing them with kindness doesn’t work, I’ve heard that a baseball bat is quite effective.

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When life throws you curveballs, swing at those Motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.

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When my doctor says I need to eat healthier, I stop at Chick-fil-A for the Lord’s chickie sandwhich.

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When someone asks “Are you crazy?” Simply reply, “Yes.” Kaboom. End of discussion.

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When someone tell me I look familiar, I tell them with a perfectly straight face, ” I do porn.

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When someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell because you can’t explain why you were looking that low.

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When this is all over, we will need to wear our masks backwards for 3 to 4 weeks to get our ears back to normal.

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When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.

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