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I end my sentences with “Just Saying” because ending the sentence with “Dumb Ass” would probably be considered offensive.

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I feel a sin coming on.

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I finally did it! Bought a new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles. No more forgetting why I walk

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I finally figured out my body type. It’s hourglass with extra minutes.

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I find it helps to organize chores into catagories: Things I won’t do now; Things I won’t do later; Things I’ll never do.

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I fniished your laundry. Your ashes are in the fireplace.

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I got a butt dial from one of those new smartphones that bend when you sit on them. All I could hear was Siri screaming for mercy.

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I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco bell!

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I got in touch with my inner self today. That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

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I got my boobs the old fashioned way. By getting fat.

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I had cheese, but no crackers. I was crack-a-lackin’.

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I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

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I had to invite them. They got a medical marijuana license.

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I hate how chocolates immediately melt on my fingers. I mean am I that Hot?

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I hate it when crumbs fall into your clevage. Sometimes my boobs eat better than I do.

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I hate it when healthy me buys the groceries because now fat me wants a snack.

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